Friendships and 40s
As if middle-aged friendships weren’t tricky enough for me, enter the 2020 Pandy. I don’t know why I keep calling it “The Pandy.” Perhaps because we have a cat named “Panda” and I’m tired of freaking saying “pan.dem.ic.” Ugh.
Well, it’s lonely. I miss my friends and I miss making them. I miss talking to my students and really LAUGHING with them. I long for personal connection in ways that I never have before. I appreciate and require much solitude, yet I desire meaningful interactions with others. Shopping for groceries is not meaningful to me and thus I am happy to forgo that activity for the greater safety of all. It makes me think that everyone should give it up to reduce risk.
Then I realize the tremendous privilege it is to even be able to say that. There was a time in my life, B.C.P. (before cell phones) when I brought a CALCULATOR to the store because my budget was so tight. I lived on cheese sandwiches and baked potatoes. I think of my Meme, who went to the grocery daily — it was her routine. She was an accountant and once had to budget her single-parent finances within 3.30 cents each month.
They, to quote my father, “didn’t have a pot to piss in.”
Giving someone else authority to select groceries without that level of attention to the bottom line is a luxury that not all have. Allowing another to select products when some ingredients pose a real health danger is too risky for some. While I get overwhelmed in a larger modern grocery store (I once remarked that I do not WANT so many choices!!), the online process isn’t easy either.
To be transparent, we have let the cupboards run lower than usual while traveling and trying to do a bit of a diet overhaul. Shopping responsibilities have changed as the pandemic has changed and we have a bunch of carbs that none of us (except one) wants to eat. I am finding that I need to take some control of the grocery-getting and I dread the chore. I am already working full-time while trying to further elevate my career (so additional responsibilities beyond any compensation) while navigating a tricky special education situation in our own child’s education as well.
So, I am writing instead of — — — -any number of things that are my responsibility…either by gender assignment or my own assumptions, over-eager ambition, or societal conditioning.
I remember as a new parent, discovering that heading to the grocery store “alone” was the new “solitude” and I’d best just “lean in” to that. I found that earbuds were a nice accompaniment. But, no more. Even flipping the script on the chore and reminding myself of the great pleasure it is to be able to feed my family quality food, it is not safe to be among so many people. It has often seemed as though many places have failed to limit the numbers of people.
Over the Thanksgiving holiday, our family traveled a few hours away by car to East Texas and I was appalled by how many people were in the grocery store without any semblance of a mask, even though the sign was posted that there was a mandatory ordinance. I could not even stand in the donut shop as the employees were not even wearing masks. The response from the person I was shopping with was that “it’s different here.” “The virus is (some number) of microns and that tells me the masks aren’t even doing anything.”
My. God.
Why would I even want to go inside a store with people who think this way, whether they be wearing a face covering or not? Likely, they would refrain from wearing them any possible place they can, so, right — the mask is likely ineffective. There are studies upon studies of the efficacy of various types of masks, and bandanas, of course, are the least effective…but THEY STILL DO SOMETHING.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t make your headache go away completely with these two aspirins, so I’ll not share them with you.” “Oh, you are still hungry after I gave you what food I have; I should not have spared it.” The arguments are devoid of logic. Masks are ONE part of an entire regiment of activities one should engage in for “Best Practices to Survive The Pandemic.”
And so, I shop online, because I can. But I do this so that I can make a human connection somewhere else. I take this as an opportunity to truly limit my interactions with those who do not advance my spiritual and personal growth through this world and generally speaking, those people are not at the local grocery store for me. Or the donut shop apparently.
What I continue to discover is that I long to be near my people. My immediate people. My older son, who acts so grown, as if he doesn’t need me anymore, but really still does because, let’s be real, where else is he getting some of his 20 hugs a day right now?!
And my younger boy, who might need me so much sometimes that it feels suffocating. I packed and unpacked the retail shop that I added to my “Med Shed.” I worked a Holiday Market at the start of December and took advantage of the packing to make some upgrades to this space out here. It’s getting cold in Texas and I plan to spend time closest to my people this winter. I’ll rearrange my office a bit to paint all the walls and see what incarnation the “room of my own” space takes on this time. When it is time.
I quite enjoy being inside with them, hearing their goofy boy stuff while on their video games. Knowing some of what is going on with them behind their closed doors. We have a small home. It is just inside 1000 square feet. There is much to do inside our closets to continue our efforts of paring down and being more minimal. The slowing down of the economy has brought this way of life to so many, by design, but this has been our journey since 2012.
This season also brought the death of my dear Grandma Sue. I can feel her love around me as a type and it squeezes tears out of me with her words, “Don’t cry. It’ll be okay.”
I was able to travel back to Tennessee with my Lucas. The weather was good for such a pretty view of the Memphis skyline…allowing it to shine for him in its best light. We can often long for “what might have been” until we learn to be present in the now. There is no way to know where another is on their journey, though at 17, he may be miles ahead of me.
Over the holiday break from school, I have had a large chunk of time to reflect on what it means to miss someone. I notice that there is a distinct difference in the feeling dependent upon one’s actual ability to see them. The further we are from the field of another, the more effort that needs to be maintained to stay in the energy of another.
We loop in by sending a text or making a phone call. Maybe it is attending class or connecting on social. I thought about my own Memphis friends as I dropped my son with his brother from another mother.
Human beings are social creatures after all. In these Pandy Times, I continue to feel that we have an opportunity to restitch how we cover ourselves with responsibilities. If we are seemingly unable to carve out time for another human being — what does that mean for our lifestyle?
How much accommodation is appropriate in connecting with others? Often I do not call as I know I’ll interrupt someone, be interrupted, or interrogated. I have a long history of feeling misunderstood and thus I often limit opportunities to revisit those feels as a {mostly} capable adult. I long for closer connections but struggle to reconcile my labeled “neediness” from the days of my earlier adult life.
How much is too much? Having always felt “on the outside looking in” — often feeling excluded explicitly because of my other strong talents. “She’ll be okay.” I do not want to be okay. OK is not enough for me or mine.
Is it enough for you? I wrote I Wanted More than This in 2017 and I was apprehensive about the title then and not much has changed now. Why is it that we feel like we are not entitled to ask for MORE? Yes, I have enough. I am eternally grateful.
But I DO still want more. I want to afford myself the time to talk with others about the events of the world. I want discourse and action-setting. I learned early that to survive I would need a thick skin and to keep my opinions to myself, lest I be considered a “bleeding heart” or “too sensitive” or “too much.”
Because of that chuffing off of my social and emotional development, I second-guessed my ability to read others and develop relationships. And now, after rebirthing myself — emerging from the muck of my own trauma — clear and free…more capable, yet, still so isolated.
There was a time I might have chosen the 40s, but it was only because I didn’t have the bandwidth or model for authentic friendship. My isolation is exactly that — mine. A lot of the time, it’s me choosing it.
Do you feel the same? How might you connect with your people intentionally? What would it be like to choose the energy with which you interact? Is this a possibility for you?
In what ways is this showing up for you in the pandemic that might be different from how it might have shown up under different circumstances? I mean, it’s not just me, right?
